Hate Mail

Alright, I think for the most part, I’m a likable guy.  I’m friendly, a little off sense of humor sometimes, and I do dominate the conversations sometimes.  I’m not proud of it and I think I do it subconsciously but I do.  But, just like everyone else, I have people that loathe my existence.  Why?  I’m not entirely sure.  I believe it is some people from my high school that didn’t like me then, but hell, I don’t blame them.  I was a loud, annoying, egotistical prick who thought if I wasn’t screaming, I wouldn’t be heard (bother metaphorically and literally).  I’ve really brought myself down from that over the last four years, I’m not saying I’m different now, I’m not, it’s just not as intense.

So, anyways, I have people who hate me.  Some for good reasons, others… not so much.  I routinely get hate mail from random people who never actually say who they are, for obvious reasons, and I just delete it and go on with my day. But… I got a great one this morning after I got out of the shower.  So, Instead of deleting it, I’m going to approve it and break it down, sentence by sentence, for your entainment purposes.

This is the comment, in case you haven’t scrolled down to see it, in it’s entirity.

You are a chronically unfunny piece of shit.  

also, you're a fucking abomination on the eyes, so don't fucking lie
about some hot chick hitting on you because we all know better.  

and you're short.  

do everyone a favor and off yourself.

Now, I believe this is very funny.  For a couple of reasons.

1.  “You are a chronically unfunny piece of shit.”  Not only am I unfunny, but it’s a disease!  Also, I like how the sentence has a period at the end, insinuating that not only is it a statement, but a very calm one.  He is obviously very comfortable with the fact that he is saying this to me, which is apparent because he left his name so we know he isn’t a coward… oh yeah… never mind.

2.  “Also”  He’s writing in his dark room with “Panic At The Disco” playing behind him, suddenly remembering he has more to say to me.  “… you’re a fucking abomination on the eyes…”  He stops, drinks his red Kool-Aid, and pats himself on the back for using a word above one syllable.  “… so don’t fucking…”  He stops again and pats his back for using a word above one syllable.  … “lie about some hot chick hitting on you because we all know better.”  We?  Is there a faction of people rallying against my words?  Trust me my friend, I think you’re the only one who gives two fucks about what I say.  Which, is sad and pathetic.  *Zack stops, sips his pink lemonade, and pats himself on the back for putting Fuck in the sentence, because it’s a cheap way to sound intimidating*

3.  “and you’re short”  Wow… pulling out the big guns huh?  Damn, I gotta tell you, after 22 years of walking on these stubs I call legs, I can honestly say I’ve never heard that one.  You really hit me where it hurts.  I’m sure you had to stoop your tall ass down pretty low to make fun of my height.  My only real fear now is that people will notice it.

4.  “do everyone a favor and off yourself.”  Off yourself?  What are you, a 1930’s gangster?  Are you gonna send Jimmy Cagney to my house to soften me up, then throw me off a ledge?  Is he gonna say, “He sings like a canary but he doesn’t fly like one?”  After you commented on my blog did you go to the speakeasy for some shots with some crazy dames?  Do you talk in one-liners?

To sum up the entire experience, you came onto my personal blog, which I write strictly for comedic purposes, and insulted me for no damn reason.  You’re a real big man to do something like this.  I’m surprised you didn’t do it through Honesty Box.  Which, by the way, I know you got to my blog through facebook, which means I obviously know you.  But, I have a feeling I haven’t spoken to you for a long while.  So, why don’t you get up off your pathetic soap box and try to do something contructive with your life.  Now I may be wrong.  You could be a very succesful person who looks out for other people and gives money to charity.  You could be someone who spends his time hanging with friends, family and possibly have a girlfriend to console you while your hatred of me simmers.  You can have a hobby that says something great about you rather than insulting people anynomously over the internet.

But I doubt it.  That would insinuate you’re an adult.

 

Tie Guys

Ryan and I were bored last night.  I had finished with my exam’s for the week, and reveled in how I seemed to fail one of them gloriously.  We finished out the second disc of Mad Men Season 1 and I studied some lines for an upcoming show.  Then I get a text message.  It’s a friend of mine inviting us out to the Grapevine for some drinking and karaoke.  This is when the night began to take off.

Ryan went and changed clothes.  I looked into the mirror and decided that my, “Joss Whedon Is My Master Now” shirt wasn’t flattering and/or sexy, so I opted to change.  Walking out of my room, I realized I wanted to wear a tie.  I dunno why, just really wanted to.  I slipped into a white button up and threw on a nice black tie.  Walking out, I asked my roommate if I look okay.  He said yes reluctantly.  He got into the car and rocked out toELO all the way down Tates Creek.

We arrived at the bar around eleven fifteen.  We got a drink and went out back and met up with another friend of ours, Casey.

Now, before we go on, I have to tell you a little backstory.  Everytime I hang out with these people, I get the craziest women agressively hitting on me.  Seriously, It’s fucking wierd.  Case in point.

2005:  We are enjoying seeing The Decemberists in concert, just the three of us, standing on the top balcony.  I’m liking the song when a well inebriated small girl walks over to me and pulls me toward the dance floor.  Now, this wasn’t so much a dance floor, as two feet free in the middle of a crowd.  Her beer is sloshing in her hand and her moves were nothing more than embarrassing.  That being said, mine were worse.  I can’t dance, I really can’t dance.  I’m so horrible at it it’s unreal.  Casey and Ryan stood by the entire time, laughing their asses off.  I began to enjoy myself after the first song, but the her boyfriend decided he wanted to enjoy himself.  Moment over.

I’d keep going with this whole thing but you get the idea.

Casey, Ryan and I are on the patio when a girl walks up and pulls on my tie and says, “Nice tie.  You live around here?”  I glanced at her surprised, mind blank from the beautiful face that stared back at me.  I shook off the feeling and went into acting Zack (That’s a completely different blog).  I told her I live downtown and she was telling me about something else I don’t remember right now, and how she isn’t in a sorority but dates a frat guy.  I didn’t care.  Moment over.

I turn back to Ryan and he looks full on agitated.  The conversation went something like this.

Ryan:  Dude, you can’t be the tie guy anymore, I’m the tie guy.

Zack:  What?

Ryan:  I’m the tie guy man, have been for five years.

Zack:  Why can’t we both be the tie guys?

Ryan:  Because, it’s my thing, I wear ties everywhere.

Zack:  Why don’t you bring back suspenders and I’ll be the new tie guy.

Ryan:  I’m gonna bring back suspenders but it’ll also look good with a tie.

Zack:  You can’t monopolize the wearing of awesome shit.

Ryan:  It’s my thing.

Casey:  Suspenders would look good with a tie.

Zack:  All I’m saying is why don’t we both just wear ties?  We can be like the tie guys!

Ryan:  That sounds really stupid.

Casey:  Is that a pun?

Zack:  We can always look like cast members of the History Boys.

Ryan:  No dammit, I’m the tie guy, you can’t take my thing.

Zack:  You have suspenders!

Ryan:  Not yet I don’t, besides, they go together!

Casey:  My drink is empty.

Zack:  Alright, let’s make a compromise.  We can both be tie guys.

Ryan:  Only on different days, but dammit, it’s my thing.

Casey:  I’m getting another drink.

Ryan and Zack:  Get me one.

Zack:  I don’t want this tie thing to create a rift between us man.

Ryan:  It’s a fucking tie man, it’s no big deal, I’m just saying, you found out the tie works, now you want to wear a tie.

Zack:  I think I just look cool.  I may wear a tie everyday.

Kevin:  Why don’t you both wear ties?

Ryan and I turn to see Kevin standing behind us, obviously a little buzzed… while working.

Zack:  How long you been there?

Kevin:  Since you guys got here.

Ryan:  Huh.

Zack:  All I’m saying is one chick talked to me.  It’s not like this thing gave me magical powers to meet women or anything.

Ryan:  I’m telling you, the tie is my thing.

Zack:  The jury is still out.

So, the argument ended right there.  We went on with our night, continually drinking.  I did some Karaoke (no surprise to anyone who has ever known me) and we convened back in the patio.  This guy was playing guitar rather poorly with a voice to match and people were dancing.  See where this is going?

This chick grabs my tie, and begins to pull me onto the dance floor.  Now, my heart begins to pound, not because she is honest to god really fucking hot, but because I have no dance moves in the slightest.  But I gotta tell you, pulling on the tie, kinda hot.  She starts grinding on my leg, slow at first then more aggressive, I’m trying not to look like a cast member of Night At The Roxbury but it’s impossible with my lack of rhythm.  She them turns her back to me and grinds more, this time pulling me tie over her left shoulder, holding me close… Really hot.  I try to take a drink of my beer, because at this point, It’s fairly obvious to everyone I can’t dance and I’m getting nervous.  I glance at Ryan and Casey and they are both laughing at me.  She turns around and I step back so not to be hit with her arm.  She looks at me with huge green eyes and grabs my tie, puts it in her mouth and pulls me toward her.  REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HOT!  At about this time, I hear Ryan’s voice scream in the background.

“That’s exactly why I’m the tie guy!”

 

20 Minutes

I met a Rod Stewart impersonator this weekend.  I went to an audition this weekend in Louisville.  I tagged along with a good friend of mine Eric.  We got our resumes ready, stapled a 8 X 10 headshot along, and acted our asses off.

I’m quite positive the part did not go to me.  Not quite the point of the story though.

On the way into the conference room, I turned and saw a tall man who looked like Rod Stewart.  He introduced himself, which, I’m ashamed to say, I do not remember his real name.  I think it was Steve, or George, it was one of those I’m sure.  Anyways, he told us he’s a Rod Stewart impersonator.  His name was Nearly Rod.

ABOVE: Not Rod Stewart.

So, he said hey, we said hey.  We chatted before the audition and after, he was a really nice guy.  He is apparently married to a Cher impersonator named Almost Cher.  I’m not sure if they have children, but I do know how many houses they own.  At least that’s more than some people.

ABOVE: Entirely Too Rich

I went and did laundry at the laundry mat the other day.  I had forgotten how washing clothes at the laundry mat was somewhat time consuming.  Oddly though, it flew by, I washed every article of clothes I owned in two hours (washes and drying multiple loads at once) and managed to do it all for about 7 bucks.  Not too bad.  Like i said before, it took two hours, but it felt like 30 minutes.  I immediately summed it up to the book I was reading (Killing Yourself To Live… SO GOOD) but when I read at home time slows down.  I thought maybe it had something to do with how much I was thinking there, about life, about how I feel unhappy right now even though there is no clear reason why I should.  I thought about how I feel as if I’m in a rut and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get out.  How all I want to do is get in the car and drive, and see places I haven’t seen, do things I haven’t done, and meet people that will change the course of my life in an instant.  But then I summed it up to a simple fact.

Life goes by quicker when you live it in 20 minute increments.

Work deosn’t seem to be going well.  I don’t know what it is, it seems the harder I try, and the more work I do, the further I get behind.  Really, it isn’t anyone else’s fault but mine.  But it feels like I can’t get ahead anymore.  Yesterday I got all my cookies and pies baked, and afterwards, it just felt… futile.  It didn’t matter, it didn’t matter one bit because after I cooked all of those, it just felt… pointless.  I dunno, maybe I’m just depressed.  I dunno…

 

Ultimate Man Movies: Project Bond

Alright.  I’m a big James Bond fan.  I own every film that was ever made, I watch every marathon on TV and see all of the new ones on opening night.

Throughout all of the aniticipation for “Quantum Of Solace”, I realized that starting this Friday, there is exactly 12 weeks until it’s release.  So, I’m going to do something that I’ve always wanted to do.

I’m going to do Man Movies reviews for two Bond movies a week, for twelve weeks (including the two unofficial Bond movies ‘Never Say Never Again’ and the original ‘Casino Royale’) until Quantum Of Solace is released, then review it in theaters.  This is a huge project.  I can’t wait to do it… God, I love James Bond.

 

New Video From K2Z Entertainment

This is another Russ & Bobby Kiddie Hour sketch that Kyle and I have been so fond of.  It’s not the best thing in the world, but it’s damned close.

 

5 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

5 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

5. Go On A Walkabout: There is nothing more manly and awesome than walking across the country with the top ten most dangerous animals in the world. With nothing but the clothes on your back, the sun on your face, chex mix (I’d bring chex mix, sue me) and a hunting knife, it sounds like I could go out and find myself… and be damned manly while doing it.

4. Forge A Sword: I want to forge a sword so bad. There’s nothing I’d want more than to take hot medal and mold it into a means of destruction. Think of the satisfaction you’d have if you make your own sword, then fight ninjas with it. Oh yeah…

3. Fight Ninjas: I would die, no question about it, but hell, if I was going to die, death by ninja would definitely be up there.

2. Be In A Wide Release Film With Bruce Willis: Who the hell wouldn’t wanna star next to Bruce Willis in an action epic event of the century? We can fight terrorists and I can play his scrappy sidekick who turns out to be okay.

and the No. 1 thing I want to do before I die is…..

1. Stop A Wedding and Take The Bride For Myself: Okay, this is tricky. I’ve seen it done in movies for years where people go, stop the weddings of their one true love, so, I want to do that. Thing is, in real life, it’s very, VERY, unlikely to happy that way, so maybe just proclaiming my love to someone at their wedding will have to do. We’ll see what happens.
…
Fuck it, maybe I’ll just put all of this in a screenplay and do it that way.

 

Happy Birthday ‘Merica!

Happy Birthday ‘Merica!  I decided to celebrate your birthday just as much as I celebrate mine, with booze and awkward talk!  It was an event that I so craftily dubbed “Drunk Downtown Lexington Fireworks Fantastic Night Of Fun Time: Red White and Drunk”.  It was a wonderful night full of booze, fireworks, lots and lots of sexy women and a party hat I like to call Steve.

STEVE

So we drank throughout the night and had a wonderful buzz going, when suddenly, sitting outside of Harvey’s, we heard an explosion.  Naturally, with a drink in my hand, buzzed and drunk with power from the pure awesomness of Steve, I assumed it was a bomb.  Immediatly picking up my drink, I coaxed Ryan and Micah to come see the festivities that were unfolding one block down (At this point I discovered it was fireworks… maybe people running toward to explosions was a tipped me off).  So I grabbed my Beam and Coke wrapped tightly in a plastic cup and dove down the street like a cat in heat!

Suddenly, it began to rain.  Thanks to Steve, my hair was not getting wet, though Micah and Ryan weren’t having the best luck with not having a Steve.  We saw the fireworks in the distance but were still getting rained on, so we ducked under the first tree we saw along with two others guys.  It was quiet for a moment, then the most beautiful firework exploded above us, lighting the sky a tint of purple, reminding us of all Vietnam.  Then, out of the purple, came two complete strangers behind us singing the National Anthem.  So, I had my Beam and Coke, I had Steve, why not go ahead and sing along?  So, we did.  Then we decided whenever something awesome happened in the show, we would sing something patriotic.  Eventually though ten minutes in, we ran out of patriotic songs and had to sing things that just had America in the names, like American Pie, Born In The USA, America (Fuck Yeah), and last but not relevant, Bohemium Rhapsody… you know… just cause.

After high-five the shit out of everyone under the tree (all five of us) we went to McCarthey’s for some good ‘ol fashioned douchebag bar fun.  Ryan and another friend of ours went to go get a drink and Micah and I spotted a table across the see of polo shirts and fake blonde highlights.  We ran over to the table and there sat one man by himself, staring at us as if we’d punched Jesus.   We finally convinced him to let us have the table, then we had a couple of drinks, sobered up and went home.  Ohh yeah, everytime I ran into a girl, I tipped the rim of my hat and said, “Ma’am.”  That shit actually worked alright.  ‘Course, by the end of the night it was more scattershot than anything.  I dunno, It was a good night.

 

Indiana Jones and the Questionable Script

I love Indiana Jones, I watched them before I could read. While other kids were playing outside, I remember my mother and father watching ‘Raiders Of The Lost Ark’ in the living room and me laying on my stomach towards the TV, mesmerized by the adventure. I remember my father purchasing ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’ on VHS with it’s glazed black cover, and putting it in for the first time. Nazis were the number one enemy in my head as a child, the second was shredder, and the third was Darth Vader. I could go on but it’s completely uninteresting and even I don’t care. Temple of Doom? Not my favorite Indiana Jones movie, though it kicks ass.

I saw ‘Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull’ tonight and I’m not impressed.

Okay, first and foremost, I’ll just get this out of the damn way. Yes, Harrison Ford is old, but damn, once he starts fighting and kicking Russian ass, he’s in top form. The age difference from him in the last film and now was absolutely nothing to me. Also, the action, great, I mean really great. There’s a huge sequence in the jungle I won’t talk about but you just have to see it, just awesome. Now on to the complaints/the things that out weighed the good.

1. Indy doesn’t fire one damn gun the entire movie. Seriously, he always has one, never fires a bullet. The only time he comes into contact with one is so he can take it apart. I LOVE the scene in ‘Crusade’ where Indy is fighting the Nazis on the tank, picks up a German gun and fires it, killing three people with one bullet. The thing is he had no qualms in the other movies pulling out a gun and killing everyone in the room. None. In fact he kills a man rather than fight him with a sword. It’s a fucking staple of Indiana Jones films. But not this one. In fact, we don’t even see Indy crack that whip he’s known for. I was just disappointed.
2. The lack of development for anyone else in the movie besides Mutt and Indiana. It’s almost as if the filmmakers were like, “yeah, fuck it, everyone will see it, we don’t need to try on this one. Bring back Marion, that way no one will have questions.”
3. The whole opening was great for me, except for the second half. I’m not gonna say why it’s horrible, but let’s just say… it’s explosive.
4. This is the main problem I have with the film itself. The crystal skull. Now, if you didn’t already know this, Crystal Skulls exist and there are supposedly thirteen but only eight have been found. Now, according the Mayan legend (seriously) if all thirteen are brought together, some pretty cataclysmic stuff happens. End of the world and such… you get the idea. Now, this film decided it would build upon something that not only exists, but I can go see in London, New York, and France. It’s obtainable, which really takes away the magic for me. The beauty of the earlier movies is the fact that the things he searched for had been talked about for centuries and centuries and though they had been rumored as true, there was no clear evidence of the Ark or Holy Grail actually existing. This set the bar incredibly high. We were already set for an adventure, to see things we’d never seen, to follow clues through impossible traps, to fight our way out of any situation because the survival of the free world laid solely on Indy’s shoulders. It was something I’d never seen. Now, the crystal skulls exist, I can see them, which already took away the wonder of it all. Not to mention the world isn’t at stake in the slightest. Yes, we learn of the Crystal Skulls. Yes, the Russians want it for a reason I will not disclose. Yes, Indiana is, for some reason, wanting to return the skull to it’s temple. Is it compelling? No, not in the slightest. Indiana finds the skull pretty early on in the film and spends the whole movie trying to protect it. I just didn’t buy a sense of urgency. The Russians want the skull so they can return it to the temple. Right? Indiana has the skull. Right? Isn’t the Russian’s master plan foiled is Indy just buries the damn thing? Seriously, there’s literally no reason why he is bringing it to the temple, unless, of course, I simply overlooked it. I dunno. This is mostly the point where the whole movie fell apart for me.

All in all, was it good? I dunno really. It was entertaining, really entertaining but it didn’t meet the bar that was set so high with the earlier films. Instead of created new and amazing worlds, it just made me miss the old ones that much more. It was good enough to see in theaters, but not to own. The movie was watchable and I enjoyed it BECAUSE it was about Indiana Jones. Without him though, the film is nothing more than fool’s gold.

 

Spring Break and Other Random Ramblings

Spring break was awesome. Seriously. It was probably the best week I’ve ever had. I went with a really goof friend of mine and 7 other people I’d always known but never actually hung out hung out (if that makes sense) before. Suddenly I feel alot closer to these people and miss them. Which is wierd, just, damn, I had such a good time.

One of them is a buddy of mine named Matt Sparks. You can visit his site through my blogroll.

I have two auditions coming up and I’ve got to tell you, I’m nervous as hell. Seriously, it’s not gonna be fun but nerve wrecking.

I have nothing of importance to talk about, so the blog aspect is over.

COMING SOON:

MAN MOVIE REVIEWS OF

LETHAL WEAPON

LETHAL WEAPON 2

LETHAL WEAPON 3

LETHAL WEAPON 4

and

THE INCREDIBLES… seriously.

 

The Running Man

I live in Lexington KY.  So, as you’d expect, there isn’t exactly too much to do after 9 PM except to drink and drink to my hearts content.  Which, could be good, could be bad.  Mostly good, sometimes bad.  Theoretically good, hypothetically bad.   You get the picture.

Anyways, so after work on Saturday, I was feeling like going out and celebrating.  Celebrating what you may ask.  Well, I’m going to tell you, I am about four days away from getting completely out of debt.  So, I decided I needed to go celebrate and make good of the nighttime.  So, I called a good friend of mine, and future roommate, Micah Ybarrola.  He’s good people.  We decided to start about two hours before everyone else and the adventure began…