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Retro Blogs: Kanegate, Part Two January 2, 2009

Posted by Zack in Retro Blogs.
Tags: , , , , , ,

First and foremost, I apologize for the late publication.  A whopping two of you have shown your disapproval.  Ryan and I’s internet was shut off due to us not having any fucking money to pay a bill.  Whatever, that’s neither here nor there, back to the story at hand.

Well, before doing that, what the hell is it about attractive women and Panera bread?  I’m here right now typing because I was hungry but wanted online at the same time and they are fucking everywhere.

Alright, seriously, back to the story.  Now… well shit, I can’t remember where I left off.  Hold up, I’m going to pull up the blog and read it.  Here’s the link in case you missed the first action packed segment.

Right, okay.  So Kyle and I show up to the house.  This is the childhood home of one of our friends who’s in the Navy now.  His father is somewhat insane.  And when I say somewhat, I mean entirely almost.  The man is weird.  Nice guy, just a little weird.  He liked to do things in his Speedo underwear.  When I say this, I mean entirely and only, in his Speedo underwear.  This wouldn’t be a big deal except he did it openly, in public, while doing his usual chores around the house.

SO, Kyle and I park across the street and find an abandoned lot to set up the tripod up.  He position ourselves behinds some tall weeds, stupidly thinking that it would protect us from the Kane’s discovering gaze.  When I say we are behind weeds, I actually mean like three of them.  Three thin, light brown weeds.

It was the perfect hiding place.

We glance at the house, planting the camera firmly on the tripod.  Asking Kyle what time it was, he looked down and told me we have fifteen minutes.  Really we had less than that.  You see, one of the things about Kane was the fact that he was always early or on time.  Something told me he would be early, seeing how he believed he had severely fucked over Steve Buscemi.  I looked at Kyle and told him he should hand me the spare tapes, just in case the other one is full at the very moment things went from funny, to completely hilarious.

Kyle handed me the tape and I looked into the viewfinder to check the battery life and saw movement on the screen.  Kyle hit me on the shoulder and we both spotted Navy man’s father, in his Speedo, getting his riding lawn mower out of the garage.

Kyle: Holy fuck… the hell are we gonna do?

Zack: Hold up, this is good stuff, let’s think about this for a minute.

Kyle: Kane is showing up mow Mr. Buscemi’s lawn, but Mike is mowing it, right now, in a Speedo.

Zack:  You think he has more than one of those or does he just have the one?

Kyle: Mower?

Zack: No Speedo.

Kyle:  Probably the one.

Zack: That would be my vote.

Kyle: I GOT IT!

Kyle yanked out his phone and dialed Kane’s number.  This was a fine decision, except for one problem… He didn’t dial *67.


Kyle:  Hello, Mr. Johnston?  Yes, where are you?  About three miles away huh?  Well, I have a small problem.  My sister’s autistic brother…  (pause)  Yeah, I suppose he’s my brother also… Is out mowing the lawn.  He doesn’t need to be doing this.  Last time he did, he almost cut off both his feet and his nose.  So, I’m gonna have to have you go over to him and say, “Billy, you go on back inside and I’ll mow this lawn for ya.”  Alright, thanks Mr. Johnston.  Billy will pay you when you’re done.

Mistake #2

Kyle hung up the phone and threw it into his pocket.  This was going to be glorious and Kyle and I jumped with anticipation to the prank that we meticulously planned.

“Billy” Buscemi fired up his riding mower and sat his Speedo ass down on the top of it.  He began t drive around, finding a good starting position.  Right about this time, we see Kane pulling up from the end of the street.  We push record and the prank was on.

Kane’s brown truck was huge.  Bigger than anything I’d ever driven and it pulled an even bigger trailer behind it.  On this trailer was a riding mower, push mower, two weed eaters, extra gas and trimmers for bushes.  At least I remember that way.  I could be wrong.  He pulls his truck around and backs into the drive-way.  At this point, “Billy” has spotted the landscaping service pulling into his driveway and has shut off the mower.  He stands up on the foot rest of the mowed, but unfortunately for all of us, still straddling the poor thing.  Kane get’s out of the truck and walks to the back of his truck.  He pulls open the trailer end and lays it on the ground.

“Billy” has the most confused look on his face.  He scratches his stomach, staring at the strange boy.  Kane walks right over to “Billy” and says, quite possibly, one of my favorite sentences I’ve ever heard.

Kane:  Now Billy, Mr. Buscemi told me to tell you to go back inside and I’ll mow your lawn.

“Billy” sat there for a moment, contemplating the order that was delivered to him.  He stands up, Speedo glistening in the sun, and says, “Who the hell do you think you are?  My name isn’t Billy!  My names Mike Mullins and I’ve lived here for 23 years!”

Now, at this point, things got loud, but so did the wind.  Kyle and I were laughing so hard that we couldn’t see what was entirely going on, but we could hear them quite well.  But not now.  The roar of the wind between the trees behind us and the continuing laughter muffled the dialogue but they were screaming.  Then there was an odd silence that permeated the air.  The screaming had stopped.

Kyle and I traded confused looks and sat up.  They were both talking to each other.  At that very moment, the tape beeping started and I knew we were almost out of tape.  Kyle ducked back down and I slipped a new tape out of the bag.  I opened the tape deck and replaced the old old.  Turning on the camera, the viewfinder flashed back on.  Kyle and I peered into the viewfinder, from the safety of three weeds.  The tape finally got to the beginning and the viewfinder flashed on.  Now, as we looked into it, we expected to see a could of things.

1.  We expected to see Kane and “Billy” screaming at each other.

2.  We expected to see Kane angrily getting into his truck and driving away.

3.  We expected to see “Billy” continuing to mow.

But, what we didn’t expect to see was Kane and “Billy” staring directly into the camera from across the street, with “Billy” pointing in our general direction.


Kane:  HEY YOU!

Zack:  I think he saw us!

We grabbed the tripod, folded it up and ran for our lives.  Kyle grabbed the bags with us and we sprinted behind some house.  I looked behind me and saw Kane walking intensely toward us.  He wasn’t going to run.  He didn’t need to.  We were terrified as is.  After crossing five backyards, we leaned against the side of a house, out of breathe, and out of houses.  In front of us was a street.  There was nothing else to hide from.


Zack:  The fuck are we gonna do?

Kyle: Run and never stop.

Zack:  We’re smokers, we’re gonna have to stop eventually.

Kyle:  I can’t believe “Billy” sold us out.

Zack:  Really?  We called him autistic.

Kyle:  We DID call him autistic.

Zack:  Is Kane around the corner?  He’s gotta be almost here.

Kyle stuck his head around the corner and froze.  He slowly came around.

Kyle:  He’s gone.

Zack:  What?

Kyle:  He’s gone, check on your side.

I looked around my side.  Kane was angrily and slowly walking toward us from the other side.

Zack:  Dude, he’s right here!


We then ran back around the opposite side and dove into our car.  Driving away as fast as we could, I could see Kane just sitting in the middle of the street.  We began to laugh and drove away happily.  We had gotten away.


Kane immediately left after having a discussion with “Billy”.  We waited, in the adjacent street and drove over when Kane left.  “Billy” or Mike was standing outside in the front lawn, drinking a beer.  We walked up to Mike and asked him what that whole thing was about.  He told us that this kid showed up to mow his lawn and he had been set up by two guys who were across the street.  Kyle and I both knew at the same moment, they ahd no idea who did this.  Neither of them must not have gotten a good look at us.  It was fantastic.  The Mike dropped a bombshell.

Mike:  Well, i told him to go to the police because if I’m right, this is terristic threatening.

Kyle and I both sat in silence.

Kyle:  Uhh Mike, you what?

Zack:  You sent him to the police.

Mike:  Yeah, he told me that this guy told him he was going to kill him on the phone.

Mistake #3

Kyle:  Yeah, but how are they going to track him down, I mean it’s not like he has a number.

Mike:  Last time he called it wasn’t UNAVALIABLE.  Looks like he messed up.  Those cops will get him.

We barely heard the last part because Kyle and I were running to the car.

Kyle:  We have to call Kane before he goes to the cops.

Zack:  I can’t beleive you didn’t hide your fucking number.

Kyle:  You wanna call him or me?

Zack:  You’re the one who fucked up, you do it.

Kyle:  FUCK!  Alright.

I don’t remember the actual conversation but once Kane answered the phone, we told him it was us and he greeted us cheeringly.  He had no idea who had set him up.  We finally told him Mr. Buscemi was us and apologized profusly.  He told us he could sue us and was so angry that he hung up the phone.

It’s been almost five years and he, to this day, won’t forgive us.  I can’t really say I blame him.  Though, Kyle and I did cover our tracks.  We recorded over the footage of the prank with us interviewing people from our high school.

I do feel really bad about all of this.  I’ve actually tried analogizing on two separate occasions.  First was over the phone and he told me he would call me back if he forgave me.  It’s been four years, i don’t believe I’ll be receiving that call.  The second time was at a gas station and I said I’m sorry again.  He just looked at me and walked away.  The thing is I am sorry.  We wasted his time, money and gas.  We really fucked his over, though, I’m not sure what exactly we thought would have happened.  Either way, Kane, if you’re reading this (and you’re not) I’m sorry man.  I really am.

It was pretty fucking funny though.



1. Caitlin - January 4, 2009

See, the first post, I was like “You guys are assholes.” and the second post, about the “He’s a terminator!” line, I was about out of oxygen laughing.
Also, I could have warned you hot girls love Panera. I would live in a Panera.

2. Tony - January 5, 2009

Too elaborate, too complicated – it never had a chance of coming off well. There was also a second party involved, and these things hardly ever work with someone else, because no secret can be kept.

Simple and to the point examples:

1: Pepper spray your cheating GFs underwear. Say not one word about it, and never, ever laugh while she’s scratching furiously. Yes, I’ve done this.

2: Take a Bowling ball from the bowling alley. This requires a backpack. On the way home, chuck said bowling ball through the window of ANY RANDOM car sitting on the street. Yes, done this too.

3. Re-arrange restaurant table cards with scissors and tape, especially if they’re in one of those plastic stand up thingies. For example, Kids Eat Free becomes Eat Free Kids.

4. If your friends are dumb enough to leave lube laying around in their bedroom, sneak in and add some pepper oil. More is better. Especially funny: A call in two days from said friend who is freaking out because his shit is burning, and he wants you to go to the clinic for moral support. Especially funny when his GF has NO COMPLAINTS.

5. Drink coffee. Keep all the old grounds. When your friends/family aren’t looking, replace their new coffee grounds with your old coffee grounds. Works great with cannisters of Folger’s.

6. If the bathroom you are in at a bar is unusually crowded, scream “Oh God it burns!” while relieving yourself. This works best if you are also sort of sobbing when you do it.

7. Get a bunch of 2 dollar bills from the bank. Go to a strip joint. Put 2 dollar bills in the strippers G strings. With any luck, in the dark they will mistake them for $20 bills.

do NOT go back to that club for at least two months.

8. Pee short messages into the snow on your ex’s lawn during winter. Short is better. Anything more than 5 letters is very, very difficult.

9. If your friends are coffee snobs, replace their good coffee with Folger’s. See if they can tell the difference.

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