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The Double Down May 25, 2010

Posted by Zack in Everything Else, Pop-Culture.
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Like most children below the age of 12, I hated eating vegetables.

It wasn’t until around the age of 18 that I began to eat just about anything.  This began to open up a whole new world (cue the music playing through your head) of food possibilities.  Ironically enough when I began to eat vegetables I began to gain weight.  I’m sure those two aren’t attached at all but it seems that way in my head.  Long story short, I’ll try just about anything… and I mean anything.

Last summer KFC introduced the Double Down.  While sitting at a picnic table at Tecumseh, i was sent a link from The A.V. Club about this travesty of a sandwich.  I was appalled.  I immediately went online to watch the commercial that was airing in two test regions and showed it to everyone I knew in my immediate vicinity (since I lived on a mountain with the same 60 people for 3.5 months, it ended up being just about everyone).  No one knew exactly what to say but I felt the same emotion I had when David Carradine died.  Things were never going to be the same…

Luckily though it wasn’t all over the nation and I was really hoping it would just fail miserably in the test markets.  But, like most things that should have never happened (I’m looking at you 3D craze), everyone embraced it and now it’s fucking everywhere.  I vowed never to eat it, but I knew that deep down inside of me I would eventually have to try it out of pure curiosity.  I had no idea that that day would arrive on April 27th, 2010.  Which finally brings me to my point…

Today I ate the double down.

I sat on the couch and opened the tiny box that sat in front of me.  My eyes locked onto the “meal” as it sat, flaccid and unwelcoming, waiting to be eaten.  The first thing I noticed is that I didn’t, at all, look like the ones in the commercials.  This is what it was supposed to look like.

Intended "Sandwich"

But sadly, this is what I was served from the fine people at KFC…

Actual "Sandwich"

Now, You might not notice the difference because of the terrible picture quality that an iPhone has but the chicken was very light and seemingly soft.  Not crunchy at all like fried chicken is supposed to be.  The cheese was hanging off the side, still unmelted from when they placed it in the middle of the two under fried pieces of breast meat and the bacon was so little it might as well had not been in the “sandwich” at all.

Since this was probably one of the most unappealing things I’d ever seen I decided to just turn on the TV and watch something else as I take my first bite.  My teeth impaled the chicken as I ripped off the first mouthful.  No bacon in the first bite but I could say without the shadow of a doubt that it wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined.  That doesn’t mean it’s good by any means, just not terrible.  The chicken was lukewarm as I chewed it, sending the initial taste down the drain as I struggled to finish the first bite.

This wasn’t going to be easy by any means.

I began to eat quicker, trying to finish it without thinking about it.  After all, I did buy it.  I wasn’t about to just throw it away.  More mouthfuls and i finally reached the soft and stringy bacon.  Now, I love crunchy bacon but I only love crunchy bacon.  Any other way to cook bacon can go fuck itself as far as I’m concerned.  At this point I think I was halfway done when I decided to look at the “sandwich” in front of me.  This is what I saw.

Failure

My stomach turned for a moment and my throat got shallow.  What in the fuck am I eating? I thought in disbelief.  This is a new low for me.  I officially feel bad for myself.

I decided to try dipping it in the mashed potatoes in an attempt to drown out the taste of depression that lingered on my tongue.  Surely this would help me get it down without any problems… right?  Well it was going well until the cheese on the “sandwich”, which had already cooled, was considerably colder than the gravy that was dripping off the “sandwich”.  This made for an interesting array of temperatures in my mouth resulting in a gagging reflex.

Now, this was about ten minutes into me trying to eat the Sodom and Gomorrah of sandwiches and i was about to throw in the towel.  The Double Down had officialy beat me.  I couldn’t finish it.  I sat it down onto it’s grease-soaked (it actually was soggy) packaging and called it a day.

Then I remembered what I’d paid for it… $6.99!!!

I wasn’t about to let this “sandwich” go to waste, not when I paid that much for it.  So… I sucked it up and decided to choke the rest of it down.  After about another 5 minutes.  It was gone… All that was left was the greasy remains that I held in my hand during the meal.

Stuck in my colon

I felt awful… I thought about mkaing myself vomit just to get it out of my system but the thought was moot (mainly due to the fact that I didn’t want to move and wasn’t about to vomit on myself while sitting on the couch… that’s just pathetic).  I reached over to my phone and snapped one last picture to sum up exactly the way I felt at that moment.  Luckily enough I was able to capture it before having to lay down.  The “sandwich” wasn’t even okay.  I guess if I had to call it anything, it would be “good”.  Never again Double Down… Never again…

Sadness

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Comments»

1. Muga - May 25, 2010

so epic. i love it. especialy the part of the taste of depression.

2. Kevin - May 25, 2010

The Double Down has caused you to blog again, so that in and of itself is a victory for the Double Down.

I hate that you hated it. I had a much different experience and even found myself defending it: http://strother.wordpress.com/2010/04/14/dont-single-out-the-double-down/


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